Dear Editor:

Well how interesting all the reaction to my tome.

I did err and I meant to say ethic and not ethnic. Forgive my spell check for not catching my error. And forgive me for not being more vigilant. I by the way did not cast aspirations, but aspersions, Mr. Byrne. Maybe I would hope Mr. Gagnon would have different aspirations.

After 35 years in pastoral ministry I am still troubled by what the church teaches, and by what the laity practices, particularly in regard to pre-marital sex. The church teaches that cohabitation, pre-marital sex is wrong and sinful. However, the laity has chosen to ignore this teaching. Not by ones and two, but by the arkful. So it is not morality by poll but by practice. I am troubled by the divergence. And no pastor, I know of is suggesting spousal abuse is okay by poll or practice.

A neighboring pastor refuses to do weddings of couples who cohabit, and so they come to me. They ask the question if I will do their weddings given they are cohabiting. Am I to be judgmental and refuse to do the wedding? There is no guidance in scripture or the Book of Order. Should I give them a stern lecture, should I admonish them? I don’t think so. This is hardly the way to begin a pastoral relationship. This may be lax pastoral practice on my part, as one suggests, but I do not think so.

Most of my young and not so young church members who are dating, are sexually active (you would presume such, when they vacation together, stay at each other’s residences and live together). Should I seek them out and admonish them? The question is how to minister to the unmarried and to be pastoral. Lectures and judgment are seldom effective. Helping them develop a sexual ethic is helpful. It is my observation, that most couples today have developed a sexual ethic that differs from that of the church. We need to help them reconcile this divergence. And the church needs to do some serious thinking in this regard also. Pointing fingers is not pastoral ministry, nor is it reality.

I currently have four couples who are members of the church, cohabit, and are very active in the life of the church. Three persons are being suggested as Elders and Deacons. Should I step in and say they are unacceptable? I suggest that what we are doing now in teaching is ignored and counter-productive. A new ethic is needed. But from where will that teaching derive?

Most modern American adults have developed a sexual ethic of serial monogamy that seems based on Buber’s idea of “I-Thou” relationships. Calling people fornicators and sinners, does little to advance pastoral ministry or people’s understanding of grace.

All church members agree that adultery is a sin and should not be tolerated. There is no disagreement on that. And yes all agree that spousal abuse is sin.

Sex among teenagers is a serious concern and we do teach that sex before adulthood has ramifications. But the concern is not about sin among church members as about disease, and pregnancy. A local abstinence program run by an ultra conservative church has to be judged an utter failure. It was followed by the local media and ended up an embarrassment for that church. More than half the participants failed in their abstinence, and more than a third of the girls ended up pregnant. Similar programs nationwide have had identical results.

There are members of my church who cohabit, widows and widowers, and some who have never married. They are put forward for church leadership. They are ordained. I will never ask the question, “are you faithful in marriage and practice chastity in your singleness?” Why? Because, basically it is none of my business.

And finally, to the issue of homosexuality. One DOES have to wonder about Robert Gagnon and his career of opposing homosexual ordination. Whenever, persons or groups have advocated on behalf of gays and lesbians he is in the forefront of attack. I have received three invitations to local churches where he was to speak about preventing homosexuality or homosexual reparative therapy. One does have to wonder. Really. Gagnon has not spent one hour in ordained pastoral ministry and perhaps does not understand the reality of pastoral ministry. While a Presbyterian, he is not a colleague in ministry as one critic suggested.

I have served three churches where gays and lesbians were members. Not only members but, good members. Tithing, leading, caring and in positions of leadership with distinction. People in the church knew they were gay, but it was not an issue, because they looked beyond the sexual orientation and saw their humanity, faith and contributions of time, talent and faithfulness. And those are the issues that really matter.